Vulnerability coaching for men. Manly men. Tights optional.For dudes who refuse to live down to society’s expectations. You are not them. Let’s get clear on who you are and what you want. Toxic masculinity, shame, and whatever else be damned.

can’t listen?
view transcription

Jump to:
Welcome - 0:00
Backstory - 3:04
Who I Am - 8:51
Who You Are - 11:19

[transcription]

Hey, welcome to unicorn ears.

My name is Patrick. I’m the founder of this site, and as of now, the one and only coach. My hope for the future of this site is for it to turn into a nonprofit movement where lots of different talented and diverse coaches come together to really try and squash toxic masculinity and all of its cousins and all of the crazy side effects that come along with those things, so that we can change individual lives and then, if my lofty goal comes true, slowly start changing society as a whole.

Of course toxic masculinity is NOT the only thing that gets tackled here - it’s not even the primary thing - but it’s pretty representative of the coaching that we do - or at least that I do - as a whole. The coaching here is really about connecting you with who you are. And toxic masculinity is just one example of something that can impact you in a way that knocks you off kilter and creates a disconnect between how you act and who you are.

Which sucks. Because being out of sync with who you are is the reason that life can be so tricky even for people like myself who are bathing in extreme privilege and still manage to have all these very real struggles. It’s the reason that some decisions can be so impossible. It’s the reason that we all suffer with perfectionism and self doubt and procrastination and imposter syndrome and all of these things.

Over the next few minutes I’ll talk a little bit about what this site is and how it came to exist (including why it has a stupid name), who exactly this site is for, who I am and why I’m uniquely suited to be doing this work, and most importantly along the way I’ll drop some specific examples of how this coaching can tremendously help you. If what I say resonates with you, sweet, I can’t wait to work with you. And if not, that’s cool, too.

Okay, quick timeout before I start down that road… to again say welcome. I’m fucking stoked that you’re here. I’m stoked on a personal level… which I understand probably doesn’t make sense because I don’t personally know who you are - yet - but I appreciate you as a human simply for being someone who is willing to get this far on a random internet recording about the topic of vulnerability. I think the fact that you’re here listening to this means that you’re probably far more introspective than most people, which is a great start, and which probably means in a way that - ironically - you need this coaching less than most people - but also that you’ll benefit tremendously because you’re already in a state where you can accept that change can be a good thing, that it’s okay to work on yourself, that coaching - or that just assistance in life in general - doesn’t make you less of a man.

So again, welcome, and, yeah, let’s get to it.

Unicorn Ears is the culmination of my loooooong inner struggle to find and be myself.

And the reason it’s called Unicorn Ears is because I reached a point during that struggle where I really really really started to resent the internet. Or more accurately I started to resent my relationship with the internet. And how it was making me act, and how it was shaping my day-to-day purpose in the world. Which… there wasn’t one. I had no purpose in the world.

I was just wrapped up in this circle jerk internet vortex of building useless software that people would pay for because it was pretty and new, but that didn’t actually help them or the world, and then doing email marketing and social media and all of that stuff to promote this useless thing and encourage people to buy more shit they didn’t need. And I’m not attacking email marketing or social media. It’s just… that stuff isn’t me. I’m a 1-1 type of person, and I was operating in this 1-many world. And I felt so fucking empty all the time, because not only was I not helping anybody but I wasn’t even connecting with anybody.

And because of all of that I got to a point where I knew that my inner, vulnerable self really wanted to quit the internet altogether. I had this dream of becoming a backcountry guide. But I just couldn’t manage to give myself permission to make that jump. I desperately needed clarity, so I took a 28 day hiking trip to Nepal with the single intention of figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. And on that trip I finally, painfully gave myself permission to quit the internet altogether. I felt soooooo guilty about throwing away a skillset with that sort of earning potential. But on that trip, which came immediately following 6 months of coaching, I realized that I just couldn’t do it anymore. So I quit the internet.

Which obviously isn’t true because you’re listening to this on the internet. Because what happened was… it was sort of like when you hand your boss that little piece of paper giving your two weeks notice. And all of a sudden you stop hating your job so much. And in those two weeks you have an opportunity to do your job in a way that’s actually meaningful to you. Because it stops having control over you. That’s what happened to me when I fully set the intention to quit the internet. In my head I had already walked away, and in doing so I stopped resenting it because it no longer had control over me.

And then on a flight to Iceland about a year later, while reading Fight Club, this idea hit me. This idea that… what if I operated in that two weeks notice mode… forever. I’d already sort of burned my ego all the way down in a Fight Club-esque sense. So what if I could continue to use my technical skillset, but in a way that was true to myself, in a way that gave zero shits about how everybody else was doing it… what would that look like? What would it look like if I created something that wrapped up all of my values - values of communication and empathy and authenticity and deep personal connection - and all of the things that I love about life and about humans, and packaged that in a way that I could help spread it to others? And the answer is Unicorn Ears.

A place where guys can come and feel heard. And be heard. Truly heard. A place where lonely guys can be less lonely, and where scared guys can talk about their fears.

The intentionally stupid name is just a reminder that this site is not part of some algorithm. That this site, and hopefully at some point this movement, is not just another cog in the machine. And the stupid name is also a reminder to you as the client to laugh along the way. Society at large still has this idea that you - as a guy who is open to doing coaching or therapy - that you are pussy, and the name Unicorn Ears mocks that idea.

And finally the stupid name is something I needed in order to actually pull the trigger on this. Coaching scares me… and this stupid name was a hack to calm myself down enough to actually do it. I’ve wanted to be a coach for years but have always shied away from it. It felt so pretentious and so fraudulent. Like, who the fuck am I to be helping other people with their lives when I don’t have my own life put together?

I’m grateful to have good friends push me in this direction. My friends have told me “dude, for sure, you’re an amazing listener, you have such a cool and interesting life, you’re communicative, you’re open-minded, you’re creative, and most importantly you clearly care.” And those friends also reminded me of something important: That I’ve had coaches and therapists who clearly did not have their shit together anymore than I do, and they still managed to rock my world in crazy-impactful ways. So, yeah, fair warning, I do NOT have my shit together… but … AND… and I can still help you with your shit.

And the reason I can so beautifully help you with your shit is because I’m uniquely suited to be doing this. I understand that that sounds cocky, but I don’t think that way about many things in life. I truly believe that this is my calling - whatever that means - and that I’m the right person for this job.

Because… any man who is willing to go down this Unicorn Ears path is going down touchy territory. I respect that, and I respect that you need to do this sort of work with someone who gets you. That’s probably me.

Of course I can’t say with certainty that I’ll get YOU specifically… but in general I am able to understand men in a way that most people can’t because I’ve been on both extreme sides of... all of this.

I have extreme levels of traditional masculine energy AND I also have extreme levels of traditional feminine energy.

On one hand: I’ve shot guns and smoked cigars. I have a six pack and am really fucking good at sports. I curse and am just generally vulgar and say insensitive things. I laugh when I fart. I love scars and bruises. I give people the finger when I drive. I like having lots of sex with hot chicks.

At the same time: I cry every month. I like dancing. I’ve worn nail polish before. I occasionally make out with other dudes. I like romantic comedies, and also unashamedly like the movie The Notebook. And sometimes I want to be the small spoon.

On one hand: I’m extremely open and communicative, which has allowed me to form relationships in the past couple of years that are far deeper than I ever thought was possible.

At the same time: I know what it’s like to be extremely closed off and non-communicative. Shit, one time I got married because I was too scared to speak up and voice my concerns. I got married.

On one hand: I’m in touch with who I am and what my purpose is. At the same time: I remember what it feels like to be hopelessly lost. That wasn’t that long ago.

All this to say… I live an interesting life on a broad spectrum, and I’m constantly changing, so no matter who you are... I’ve probably been someone similar.

Speaking of who you are… if this coaching is for you then…

You are a guy who values introspection and wants to dive deeper.

More than likely you have some areas of your life where you want to gain clarity. And probably some things about yourself that you want to change but just can’t figure out how to.

Maybe some of these changes you want to make are directly related to vulnerability, like improving a less-than-ideal relationship with your parents or your spouse. How do you open up and be yourself and have the tough conversations? It’s super scary.

Probably you need some sort of decision-making help. Maybe help deciding on a career path , or help deciding where to move, or help with a personal issue… and you’re wondering what you should do. What you SHOULD do. Well, what you should to do is just another way of saying what’s in the best interest of your true self. So let’s find that true self, let him out of his cage, and then the answers become almost obvious… though not necessarily easy.

Maybe you need someone to help hold you accountable, and to figure out why you need help staying accountable in the first place. Is it because you’re doing something that doesn’t matter or that doesn’t interest you? Is your need for accountability a sign that maybe you should be changing things up?

Maybe there’s something that you want to talk about that you just can’t discuss with anybody else. Maybe you struggle with pornography addiction, or sexual performance anxiety, or maybe you feel shame around a sexual kink that you have. Maybe you’re thinking about ending a relationship and the person closest to you in the entire world… you feel like you can’t talk to that person because that’s the person you’re considering ending the relationship with.

In the FAQ section below I’ll get into more specific examples.

For now, though, I want you to know that I’m here. That all of these potential issues that I just mentioned… that these are all things I’ve been through myself. I’ve had family problems, I’ve been divorced, I’ve overcome a porn addiction, I’ve floundered for years trying to find my purpose in life.

I’ve struggled with all of these things and despite all of them… I am not broken.

And neither are you.

I hope to talk with you soon.

 

Private Coaching #1

$375 $263 per week billed quarterly.

1-on-1 coaching includes:

  • A 120-minute video or phone call each week (or two shorter calls).
  • 24/7 private messages to coach with unlimited responses.
  • Weekly homework assignments.
Start for Free

2 spots left for Jan 1.
Then 5 spots for Feb 1.

Private Coaching #2

$175 $123 per week billed quarterly.

1-on-1 coaching includes:

  • A 60-minute video or phone call each week.
  • 24/7 private messages to coach with limited responses.
  • Weekly homework assignments.
Start for Free

3 spots left for Jan 1.
Then 15 spots for Feb 1.

Group Coaching

$145 $102 per week billed quarterly.

Group coaching includes:

  • A mastermind-like group of 3-4 vulnerable guys from various walks of life talking about real shit. Facilitated by your coach.
  • A 60-minute group video call each week.
  • 24/7 private messages to coach with limited responses.
Start for Free

23 spots left for Jan 1.
Then 25 spots for Feb 1.

 

Start for Free

Click here to start for free. You’ll answer a few questions, then you and I will talk. Maybe once. Maybe several times. And then I’ll send you a payment link only after we’ve BOTH assessed whether or not we’re a good fit. And then you can choose to follow that link or not. 'Cuz it takes two to tango, or something like that.

30% New Year sale for January 1 launch.

The next round of coaching begins on January 1st, 2019. Which is a pretty damn obvious time for a coaching business to offer a discount 😁 - sign up between now and then and you’ll get 30% off. This discount will apply for the entirety of your coaching (ie, not just a one-time discount).

Your card will be charged on the day you sign up, but your membership won’t start ticking until Jan 1 (so it’ll last through the end of March).

Limited spots are available because I need to make sure I can spend absurd quantities of time focused on each person.

It may take several days of back-and-forth before we decide if we want to work together or not... so perhaps get started now. 😉

Double Dip

All private coaching clients have the option of ALSO participating in a group. There is no extra cost for this... it’s included.

A note on refunds, cancelations, etc

I have a dick, but I’m not a dick. I’ll treat you how I’d want to be treated.

My official refund policy is no refunds. That said, I’ll be a reasonable human about it. The no refund policy is in place to keep you from making a commitment to yourself and to me (and to others if you’re doing coaching) and then not respecting that commitment. Given how much we’ll talk before you pay a dime... compatability should not be an issue. That said, I understand that things happen. So if you have a health emergency or get laid off from your job or decide to travel the world for 6 months or any of a number of legitimate life events... I’m happy to work with you to pause your coaching, or give you a prorated refund, or whatever seems fair and makes sense.

Also, if the listed price is unreasonable... we’ll work something out. I want to help you be you, even if it’s not financially lucrative for me. I’m not in this for the money... 'cuz if I was, I’d still be working for the man who paid me WAYYYYYY more than I earn now.

Questions that I’ll answer before they have a chance to be asked frequently.

Why the name UnicornEars.org?

The .org part: Because it’s my intention for this to grow into a nonprofit platform that connects a diverse group of coaches to the clients that they can most impact. The site is BRAND new, right now it’s just me coaching, and is so far away from being profitable that it doesn’t make sense to do all the nonprofit paperwork yet. But it does make sense to put my intention out into the world. The .org is a daily reminder of this site’s intention.

The Unicorn Ears part: I’m a web/app developer who mostly hates the internet. Quite the pickle. The only way I could convince myself to not abandon the internet altogether was to lean into exactly what I wanted to do... and part of that was a ridiculously stupid name that makes me giggle every day.

Who are you?

My name is Patrick Griffith (click here for pics and whatnot).

I’m a changed man. Corny as it sounds, I had a moment in April of 2015 where I first really felt the significance and finality of death. I mean, I knew this already, but it never landed until that moment. Since then I’ve made a lot of difficult decisions that most people would put off forever. Tough decisions that most of me hated, but that I knew my vulnerable self needed. I will live my best life, dammit.

Examples of tough decisions:

  1. I was making $140,000/yr in Delaware and "threw it all away" to move to Boulder, CO - not knowing anyone or having a job there - because I knew that’s what my vulnerable self wanted. Now I’m making $14,000/yr (yep, 90% less) doing something that helps people. I used to buy Arc'teryx gear left and right. Now I have a purpose. The former was definitely nice, but I’m okay with the tradeoff.
  2. I asked my wife for a divorce even though neither of us cheated, neither of us was abusive in any way, and we weren’t even unhappy. It wasn’t wrong... it just wasn’t right, either. This was easily the most difficult and most painful thing I’ve ever been through. Also easily the most beneficial decision I’ve ever made, even though I still cry about it sometimes.
  3. I sold a business with completely passive income for far less than it was worth because I didn’t align with its values.

The first 28 years of my life were a fast-paced rendition of a sterotypical American dream lived by a sterotypical American man. I (regularly) drunkenly vomitted alongside friends. I watched sports on Sundays instead of doing something impactful. I once went 7 years without crying. I avoided nice words to men for fear of being "gay" or a "pussy".

Undoing all of that wasn’t an overnight thing. In fact, it’s still ongoing work. And it’s meaningful work that I’m happy to do. When I (try not to) compare myself to others I still sometimes shrink, but when I compare myself to my former self? I stand tall.

Because now I live in Portland, OR. I have deep friendships for the first time in my life. I travel a lot. I ask women AND men for their numbers when I feel a connection. I open up to people. I’ve hiked thousands of miles since the last time I turned on a TV. I live my best life every day.

All because I’ve embraced the power of vulnerability. And now I want to help more men discover and embrace that power that already lies somewhere within.

Oh... and biased but true fact... I wouldn’t be where I am today without the help of coaches, specifically my first life coach, Heather. I paid her what seemed like WAY too much money at the time, but I pulled the trigger because I had a gut feeling that it was right, and I’m trying to get better about listening to my gut. It was worth tenfold every penny.

What’s your coaching experience?

None.

Seriously, none. January 1st will be my first day of coaching.

That should raise a red flag. Or at least a yellow flag. But it shouldn’t prevent you from starting a conversation with me for free and seeing what happens IMO, because:

  1. I live a life that would probably make you cum in your pants. I know how to love and be loved - not easy skills to acquire - and practice both daily. I travel to several different countries every year. I live my most best life as my most best self.
  2. Sticking with the crude imagery: I used to live a life that would make your penis shrivel up. Working a job I hated in a place I hated, married to someone I didn’t love, hanging out with friends that I couldn’t talk to, and turning toward all sorts of unhealthy outlets to either try and feel anything at all or to try and numb the pain altogether. So I know how to get from point A to point B, and I know how to navigate the seemingly impossible challenges that lie in the way.
  3. I’m a hyper curious and hyper self-aware person with nerdy undertones. Because of this my brain is bursting with self-helpy-type knowledge.
  4. I’ve done coaching and therapy. I know what works for me and what could be improved, and I’ve talked to bunches of others and have confirmed that what would work better for me would also work better for most.

WTF is vulnerability coaching?

First let’s break down that scarrrry word, vulnerability.

Your vulnerable self is who you are deep down inside.

Psychologically speaking, we all have egos. Yes, even you. Even me. Bummer. Your fake self is a wall that you put up to protect your ego. Your vulnerable self is who you are on the other side of that wall. (Your vulnerable self is also called your true self, your real self, your authentic self, etc.)

This is the context in which the word “vulnerable” is used on this site. I’m not sitting here telling you to cry more often. Or to spill your heart to every stranger who will listen. No. I’m here simply to help you be you. If that means crying and spilling your heart, cool. If it means kicking someone’s ass in an MMA octagon, cool.

I help you be you. And I make no judgements or claims about what that should be.

So… Vulnerability Coaching = helping you navigate life with your highest self in mind. It’s clarity through authenticity. It’s life coaching with the specific focus of being true to what you really want.

How can vulnerability coaching help me?

Hopefully you listened to the intro story and were like “holy balls, I need this.” But if not… I understand. Need more reasons? If you join Unicorn Ears (even at the free level):

  1. You’ll make better, faster decisions.
  2. You’ll get clear on how to spend your days.
  3. You’ll get clear on how to spend your life.
  4. You’ll get clear on who to spend your time with.
  5. You’ll live a life that others WANT to be a part of.
  6. You’ll make the world a better, fairer, more loving place... even without explicitly trying (though explicitly trying would be great).
  7. You’ll become more comfortable being alone.
  8. You’ll become more comfortable being with others.
  9. You’ll become more comfortable being uncomfortable.
  10. You’ll learn to challenge conventional thought.
  11. You’ll learn to be more empathetic towards others.
  12. You’ll learn to love and respect yourself.
  13. You’ll start consuming less and producing more.
  14. You’ll start getting out of your own head.

Not specific enough? Here are a list of things that I’ve worked on and can help you work on, too.

  • Finding Your Purpose/Path
  • Starting/Abandoning/Selling a Business
  • Quitting/Finding/Applying/Interviewing for a Job
  • Deciding to Move Across the Country
  • Internet addiction
  • Gambling addiction
  • Identifying and Navigating Depression
  • Marital Struggles
  • Divorce
  • New Relationship Anxiety
  • Porn Addiction
  • Sexual Performance Anxiety
  • Sexual Communication
  • Loneliness
  • Making Friends
  • Family Disconnect
  • Body Positivity
  • Physical Fitness
  • Diet
  • Financial Strain
  • Decision Fatigue
  • Travel Decisions

Why WhatsApp?

All coaching is done through WhatsApp. WhatsApp works on your phone and your computer. It supports voice, video, and text messages as well as live voice and video calls. It’s perfect for this job.

I (an app developer) spent months building a fully-custom app for Unicorn Ears. It works, looks pretty, and would be more than good enough for the job. But I tabled it anyway. Because WhatsApp is better for the job. Better than the current version of my app. And until this site grows to the point of having multiple coaches there’s simply not a need to use custom software. So, even though my ego screams in opposition... I’ve decided to do the best thing: use the best tool for the job, even if it’s not mine, and switch to my custom tool only once it’s clearly better suited.

After my "holy shit you need to just use WhatsApp" moment of clarity I broke out my journal to try and capture some pretty heavy feelings. I may or may not have been stoned at the time. Here’s that entry for your amusement:

What a great coaching moment.

The fact that I accepted this thought and went with WhatsApp (“throwing away” months of hard work)… I think this shows how far I’ve come in the past few years. Previously I would have had to - my ego would have had to - make this a custom app.

I have a complete, working app built. But I’m scrapping it and using WhatsApp instead. Users don’t give a shit about who built it. They want someting that works (For the most part, anyway).

This lets me sell and provide customer service and value from day 1. Let’s me spend more time researching coaching strategies and skills, learning and growing.

It’s only the ego keeping me using my own app. The ego that doesn’t want to admit to sinking sunk costs. Communicative, ego-free patrick would be happy with himself for being somewhere great. Ego-filled patrick needs to have gotten somewhere great by being great every step of the way. If there was a flaw along the way then he feels that he is not truly at a great place because surely if he had not made the mistake then he would be somewhere even greater, which makes the original great not actually great at all given the perspective of relativity. Ego-filled patrick refuses to walk the easy path even when it’s the right path, so he gets lost.

I’m not a software guy. I can make things to scratch my own itches, but i’m never going to win a software battle because that’s not where my heart is. And it’s hard to compete as one human. Software is a technical skill and more numbers are better. Humanness is a human skill, and a company of one can be perfect. Summary: use whatsapp, fuckhead. And I say fuckhead loosely, because you are NOT a fuckhead. You’re doing great. Look at your life now versus 5 years ago. Yeah, I know you’re struggling financially, you’re anxious about that and it’s making your life less than 100%. But seriously, compare the WHOLE of your life. You’re absolutely killing it. Hang in there, see this through, and go change the fucking world.

Oh, and stoned me does NOT feel bad about this. I do NOT feel bad about selling WhatsApp usage for lots of money. Future sober you, if you read this, know that stoned you does NOT feel bad about this. You feel bad about stuff like this when you’re sober because you’re afraid to fully put yourself out there. You’re afraid that if you use all the tactics and still fail then you’re actually a failure. Your “nice guy” tactics are a way to feel morally superior. If you want to add value, then add value, and stop worrying about how little you deserve anything in life. Just add value. And if that means you don’t touch your software development skills… nobody fucking cares!

How does it work, logistically?

For All Plans

My office hours are Monday - Friday 7:30am - 5:00pm PST (I live in Portland, OR). I respond to messages VERY often outside of this window, but I rarely take calls outside of this window. Work/life balance, ya know?

Message me 24/7 between calls. I’ll turn on Do Not Disturb when I’m sleeping, so don’t worry about waking me! For the Group Coaching and Private Coaching #2 plans I’ll spend up to one hour each week reading/listening/watching and responding to these messages. For the Private Coaching #1 plan... try me. I have superhuman energy and you will not wear me out!

All conversations are 100% confidential unless expressly agreed upon otherwise.

For Private Coaching

You can schedule calls between 24 hours and 2 weeks in advance. My general policy is that unused calls do not roll over to the next week... but I’m a nice guy and am more than happy to make compromises most of the time.

Group Coaching

Group coaching is like a mastermind group, except that instead of talking about business we talk about life (which does include business). Hear and be heard amongst a group of 3-4 men.

Converse with the group via text, voice, or video messaging. I’ll be there providing prompts, challenging you, encouraging progress, and being generally rambunctious.

Feel like you’re not connecting optimally with this group of humans? Reach out to me and we’ll discuss the possibility of moving you to a different group. Additionally, if I ever think that you might be a better fit for a different group I’ll reach out to you and give you the option of switching groups.

Why is this only for men? Manly men?

Technically it’s not. Everyone who resonates with this page is free to join, and I’m equally have to have all of you! It’s specifically designed for men, though, because:

In many ways I (as a 31yo white male) am part of the most powerful, most priviliged group of people in the world. And at the same time I’m part of the most disconnected, emotionally lost group of people in the world.

This is a real problem facing people without "real" problems, and I feel like - given my background and skillset - I’m in a remarkably unique place to help.

If we can all get in touch with our real selves then a) that makes our lives better, and also b) that has a trickle down effect on the entire world because it wakes us up to that privilige that we do have, to the point of using - and maybe even redistributing - that privilige for good, making the world a more equitable place (which benefits us all).

Note that I do NOT apologize for my privilige. I do not feel even a speck guilty for it. I simply think it’s my responsibility to use it in an intentional way.

Oh, and the "manly" man part?

Toxic masculinity sucks. Traditional masculinity does not. Being a dude is fucking awesome. Go ahead and embrace it. Throw some weights around and feel like a badass. Rough house. Get dirty. Laugh at inappropriate jokes. Make fart noises.

And also be able to play princess with your kids without feeling like less of a man. Be able to listen to a scared friend without calling him a pussy.

I am not against “manliness”. My only contention is that “manliness” can mean whatever you want it to mean.

If you’re a man then you’re manly. IMO.

What if I have more questions?

Voice Message Me

Send me a voice message and I’ll respond in turn. Or if you’re feeling boring you can email me at [email protected]

Start Recording
Compressing Audio... this may take a dozen seconds.